No, there were no tears. - If you're going to turn into a pig, my
dear, - said Alice, seriously, - I'll have nothing more to do with you.
Mind now! - The poor little thing sobbed again (or grunted, it was
impossible to say which), and they went on for some while in silence.
Alice was just beginning to think to herself, - Now, what am I to do
with this creature when I get it home? - when it grunted again, so
violently, that she looked down into its face in some alarm. This time
there could be NO mistake about it: it was neither more nor less than a
pig, and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it
further.
So she set the little creature down, and felt quite relieved to see
it trot away quietly into the wood. - If it had grown up, - she said to
herself, - it would have made a dreadfully ugly child: but it makes rather
a handsome pig, I think. - And she began thinking over other children she
knew, who might do very well as pigs, and was just saying to herself, - if
one only knew the right way to change them when she was a little startled
by seeing the Cheshire Cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off.
The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good- natured, she
thought: still it had VERY long claws and a great many teeth, so she felt
that it ought to be treated with respect.
- Cheshire Puss, - she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all
know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little
wider. - Come, it's pleased so far, - thought Alice, and she went on. -
Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
- That depends a good deal on where you want to get to, - said the
Cat.
- I don't much care where - said Alice.
- Then it doesn't matter which way you go, - said the Cat.
- so long as I get SOMEWHERE, - Alice added as an explanation.
- Oh, you're sure to do that, - said the Cat, - if you only walk long
enough.
Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another
question. - What sort of people live about here?
- In THAT direction, - the Cat said, waving its right paw round, -
lives a Hatter: and in THAT direction, - waving the other paw, - lives a
March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.
- But I don't want to go among mad people, - Alice remarked.
- Oh, you can't help that, - said the Cat: - we're all mad here. I'm
mad. You're mad.
- How do you know I'm mad? - said Alice.
- You must be, - said the Cat, - or you wouldn't have come here.
Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on - And how
do you know that you're mad?
- To begin with, - said the Cat, - a dog's not mad. You grant that?
- I suppose so, - said Alice.
- Well, then, - the Cat went on, - you see, a dog growls when it's
angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased,
and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.
- I call it purring, not growling, - said Alice.
- Call it what you like, - said the Cat. - Do you play croquet with
the Queen to-day?
- I should like it very much, - said Alice, - but I haven't been
invited yet.
- You'll see me there, - said the Cat, and vanished. Alice was not
much surprised at this, she was getting so used to queer things happening.
While she was looking at the place where it had been, it suddenly appeared
again.
- By-the-bye, what became of the baby? - said the Cat. - I'd nearly
forgotten to ask.
- It turned into a pig, - Alice quietly said, just as if it had come
back in a natural way.
- I thought it would, - said the Cat, and vanished again. Alice
waited a little, half expecting to see it again, but it did not appear,
and after a minute or two she walked on in the direction in which the
March Hare was said to live. - I've seen hatters before, she said to
herself; - the March Hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps
as this is May it won't be raving mad - at least not so mad as it was in
March. - As she said this, she looked up, and there was the Cat again,
sitting on a branch of a tree.
- Did you say pig, or fig? - said the Cat.
- I said pig, - replied Alice; - and I wish you wouldn't keep
appearing and vanishing so suddenly: you make on quite giddy.
- All right, - said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly,
beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which
remained some time after the rest of it had gone.
- Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin, - thought Alice; - but
a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever say in my life!
She had not gone much farther before she came in sight of the house
of the March Hare: she thought it must be the right house, because the
chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was thatched with fur. It was
so large a house, that she did not like to go nearer till she had nibbled
some more of the lefthand bit of mushroom, and raised herself to about two
feet high: even then she walked up towards it rather timidly, saying to
herself - Suppose it should be raving mad after all! I almost wish I'd
gone to see the Hatter instead!



CHAPTER VII

A Mad Tea-Party

There was a table set out under a tree in front of the house, and the
March Hare and the Hatter were having tea at it: a Dormouse was sitting
between them, fast asleep, and the other two were using it as a cushion,
resting their elbows on it, and the talking over its head.
- Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse, - thought Alice; - only, as
it's asleep, I suppose it doesn't mind.
The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at
one corner of it: - No room! No room! - they cried out when they saw Alice
coming. - There's PLENTY of room! - said Alice indignantly, and she sat
down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table.
- Have some wine, - the March Hare said in an encouraging tone. Alice
looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. - I don't
see any wine, - she remarked.
- There isn't any, - said the March Hare.
- Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it, - said Alice angrily.
- It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited, said
the March Hare.
- I didn't know it was YOUR table, - said Alice; - it's laid for a
great many more than three.
- Your hair wants cutting, - said the Hatter. He had been looking at
Alice for some time with great curiosity, and this was his first speech.
- You should learn not to make personal remarks, - Alice said with
some severity; - it's very rude.
The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he SAID
was, - Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
- Come, we shall have some fun now! - thought Alice. - I'm glad
they've begun asking riddles. - I believe I can guess that, - she added
aloud.
- Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it? said
the March Hare.
- Exactly so, - said Alice.
- Then you should say what you mean, - the March Hare went on.
- I do, - Alice hastily replied; - at least - at least I mean what I
say - that's the same thing, you know.
- Not the same thing a bit! - said the Hatter. - You might just as
well say that - I see what I eat - is the same thing as - I eat what I see
- !
- You might just as well say, - added the March Hare, - that - I like
what I get - is the same thing as - I get what I like - !
- You might just as well say, - added the Dormouse, who seemed to be
talking in his sleep, - that - I breathe when I sleep - is the same thing
as - I sleep when I breathe - !
- It IS the same thing with you, - said the Hatter, and here the
conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for a minute, while Alice
thought over all she could remember about ravens and writing-desks, which
wasn't much.
The Hatter was the first to break the silence. - What day of the
month is it? - he said, turning to Alice: he had taken his watch out of
his pocket, and was looking at it uneasily, shaking it every now and then,
and holding it to his ear.
Alice considered a little, and then said - The fourth. - Two days
wrong! - sighed the Hatter. - I told you butter wouldn't suit the works! -
he added looking angrily at the March Hare.
- It was the BEST butter, - the March Hare meekly replied.
- Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well, - the Hatter
grumbled: - you shouldn't have put it in with the bread-knife.
The March Hare took the watch and looked at it gloomily: then he
dipped it into his cup of tea, and looked at it again: but he could think
of nothing better to say than his first remark, - It was the BEST butter,
you know.
Alice had been looking over his shoulder with some curiosity. - What
a funny watch! - she remarked. - It tells the day of the month, and
doesn't tell what o'clock it is!
- Why should it? - muttered the Hatter. - Does YOUR watch tell you
what year it is?
- Of course not, - Alice replied very readily: - but that's because
it stays the same year for such a long time together.
- Which is just the case with MINE, - said the Hatter. Alice felt
dreadfully puzzled. The Hatter's remark seemed to have no sort of meaning
in it, and yet it was certainly English. - I don't quite understand you, -
she said, as politely as she could.
- The Dormouse is asleep again, - said the Hatter, and he poured a
little hot tea upon its nose.
The Dormouse shook its head impatiently, and said, without opening
its eyes, - Of course, of course; just what I was going to remark myself.
- Have you guessed the riddle yet? - the Hatter said, turning to
Alice again.
- No, I give it up, - Alice replied: - that's the answer?
- I haven't the slightest idea, - said the Hatter.
- Nor I, - said the March Hare. Alice sighed wearily. - I think you
might do something better with the time, - she said, - than waste it in
asking riddles that have no answers.
- If you knew Time as well as I do, - said the Hatter, - you wouldn't
talk about wasting IT. It's HIM.
- I don't know what you mean, - said Alice.
- Of course you don't! - the Hatter said, tossing his head
contemptuously. - I dare say you never even spoke to Time!
- Perhaps not, - Alice cautiously replied: - but I know I have to
beat time when I learn music.
- Ah! that accounts for it, - said the Hatter. - He won't stand
beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost
anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine
o'clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons: you'd only have to
whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past
one, time for dinner!
( - I only wish it was, - the March Hare said to itself in a whisper.
) - That would be grand, certainly, - said Alice thoughtfully: - but then
- I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know.
- Not at first, perhaps, - said the Hatter: - but you could keep it
to half-past one as long as you liked.
- Is that the way YOU manage? - Alice asked. The Hatter shook his
head mournfully. - Not I! - he replied. - We quarrelled last March - just
before HE went mad, you know - (pointing with his tea spoon at the March
Hare,) - it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I
had to sing

- Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
You know the song, perhaps?

- I've heard something like it, - said Alice.
- It goes on, you know, - the Hatter continued, - in this way:

- Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle -

Here the Dormouse shook itself, and began singing in its sleep
- Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle - and went on so long that they
had to pinch it to make it stop.

- Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse, - said the Hatter, -
when the Queen jumped up and bawled out, - He's murdering the time! Off
with his head!
- How dreadfully savage! - exclaimed Alice.
- And ever since that, - the Hatter went on in a mournful tone, - he
won't do a thing I ask! It's always six o'clock now.
A bright idea came into Alice's head. - Is that the reason so many
tea-things are put out here? - she asked.
- Yes, that's it, - said the Hatter with a sigh: - it's always
tea-time, and we've no time to wash the things between whiles.
- Then you keep moving round, I suppose? - said Alice.
- Exactly so, - said the Hatter: - as the things get used up.
- But what happens when you come to the beginning again? - Alice
ventured to ask.
- Suppose we change the subject, - the March Hare interrupted,
yawning. - I'm getting tired of this. I vote the young lady tells us a
story.
- I'm afraid I don't know one, - said Alice, rather alarmed at the
proposal.
- Then the Dormouse shall! - they both cried. - Wake up, Dormouse!
And they pinched it on both sides at once.
The Dormouse slowly opened his eyes. - I wasn't asleep, - he said in
a hoarse, feeble voice: - I heard every word you fellows were saying.
- Tell us a story! - said the March Hare.
- Yes, please do! - pleaded Alice.
- And be quick about it, - added the Hatter, - or you'll be asleep
again before it's done.
- Once upon a time there were three little sisters, - the Dormouse
began in a great hurry; - and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie;
and they lived at the bottom of a well
- What did they live on? - said Alice, who always took a great
interest in questions of eating and drinking.
- They lived on treacle, - said the Dormouse, after thinking a minute
or two.
- They couldn't have done that, you know, - Alice gently remarked; -
they'd have been ill. - So they were, - said the Dormouse; - VERY ill.
Alice tried to fancy to herself what such an extraordinary ways of
living would be like, but it puzzled her too much, so she went on:
- But why did they live at the bottom of a well? - Take some more
tea, - the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly. - I've had nothing
yet, - Alice replied in an offended tone, - so I can't take more.
- You mean you can't take LESS, - said the Hatter: - it's very easy
to take MORE than nothing.
- Nobody asked YOUR opinion, - said Alice.
- Who's making personal remarks now? - the Hatter asked triumphantly.
Alice did not quite know what to say to this: so she helped herself to
some tea and bread-and-butter, and then turned to the Dormouse, and
repeated her question. - Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
The Dormouse again took a minute or two to think about it, and then
said, - It was a treacle-well.
- There's no such thing! - Alice was beginning very angrily, but the
Hatter and the March Hare went - Sh! sh! - and the Dormouse sulkily
remarked, - If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for
yourself.
- No, please go on! - Alice said very humbly; - I won't interrupt
again. I dare say there may be ONE.
- One, indeed! - said the Dormouse indignantly. However, he consented
to go on. - And so these three little sisters - they were learning to
draw, you know
- What did they draw? - said Alice, quite forgetting her promise.
- Treacle, - said the Dormouse, without considering at all this time.
- I want a clean cup, - interrupted the Hatter: - let's all move one
place on.
He moved on as he spoke, and the Dormouse followed him: the March
Hare moved into the Dormouse's place, and Alice rather unwillingly took
the place of the March Hare. The Hatter was the only one who got any
advantage from the change: and Alice was a good deal worse off than
before, as the March Hare had just upset the milk-jug into his plate.
Alice did not wish to offend the Dormouse again, so she began very
cautiously: - But I don't understand. Where did they draw the treacle
from?
- You can draw water out of a water-well, - said the Hatter; - so I
should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle-well - eh, stupid?
- But they were IN the well, - Alice said to the Dormouse, not
choosing to notice this last remark.
- Of course they were', said the Dormouse; - well in. This answer so
confused poor Alice, that she let the Dormouse go on for some time without
interrupting it.
- They were learning to draw, - the Dormouse went on, yawning and
rubbing its eyes, for it was getting very sleepy; - and they drew all
manner of things - everything that begins with an M
- Why with an M? - said Alice.
- Why not? - said the March Hare. Alice was silent. The Dormouse had
closed its eyes by this time, and was going off into a doze; but, on being
pinched by the Hatter, it woke up again with a little shriek, and went on:
- that begins with an M, such as mouse-traps, and the moon, and memory,
and muchness-you know you say things are - much of a muchness - did you
ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?
- Really, now you ask me, - said Alice, very much confused, - I don't
think
- Then you shouldn't talk, - said the Hatter. This piece of rudeness
was more than Alice could bear: she got up in great disgust, and walked
off; the Dormouse fell asleep instantly, and neither of the others took
the least notice of her going, though she looked back once or twice, half
hoping that they would call after her: the last time she saw them, they
were trying to put the Dormouse into the teapot.
- At any rate I'll never go THERE again! - said Alice as she picked
her way through the wood. - It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in
all my life!
Just as she said this, she noticed that one of the trees had a door
leading right into it. - That's very curious! - she thought. - But
everything's curious today. I think I may as well go in at once. - And in
she went.
Once more she found herself in the long hall, and close to the little
glass table. - Now, I'll manage better this time, - she said to herself,
and began by taking the little golden key, and unlocking the door that led
into the garden. Then she wet to work nibbling at the mushroom (she had
kept a piece of it in her pocked) till she was about a foot high: then she
walked down the little passage: and THEN - she found herself at last in
the beautiful garden, among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains.


CHAPTER VIII

The Queen's Croquet-Ground

A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses
growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it, busily
painting them red. Alice thought this a very curious thing, and she went
nearer to watch them, and just as she came up to them she heard one of
them say, - Look out now, Five! Don't go splashing paint over me like
that!
- I couldn't help it, - said Five, in a sulky tone; - Seven jogged my
elbow.
On which Seven looked up and said, - That's right, Five! Always lay
the blame on others!
- YOU'D better not talk!'said Five. - I heard the Queen say only
yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!
- What for? - said the one who had spoken first.
- That's none of YOUR business, Two! - said Seven.
- Yes, it IS his business! - said Five, - and I'll tell him - it was
for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.
Seven flung down his brush, and had just begun - Well, of all the
unjust things - when his eye chanced to fall upon Alice, as she stood
watching them, and he checked himself suddenly: the others looked round
also, and all of them bowed low.
- Would you tell me, - said Alice, a little timidly, - why you are
painting those roses?
Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two. Two began in a low
voice, - Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a
RED rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was
to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So you
see, Miss, we're doing our best, afore she comes, to At this moment Five,
who had been anxiously looking across the garden, called out - The Queen!
The Queen! - and the three gardeners instantly threw themselves flat upon
their faces. There was a sound of many footsteps, and Alice looked round,
eager to see the Queen.
First came ten soldiers carrying clubs; these were all shaped like
the three gardeners, oblong and flat, with their hands and feet at the
corners: next the ten courtiers; these were ornamented all over with
diamonds, and walked two and two, as the soldiers did. After these came
the royal children; there were ten of them, and the little dears came
jumping merrily along hand in hand, in couples: they were all ornamented
with hearts. Next came the guests, mostly Kings and Queens, and among them
Alice recognised the White Rabbit: it was talking in a hurried nervous
manner, smiling at everything that was said, and went by without noticing
her. Then followed the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown on a
crimson velvet cushion; and, last of all this grand procession, came THE
KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS.
Alice was rather doubtful whether she ought not to lie down on her
face like the three gardeners, but she could not remember every having
heard of such a rule at processions; - and besides, what would be the use
of a procession, - thought she, - if people had all to lie down upon their
faces, so that they couldn't see it? - So she stood still where she was,
and waited.
When the procession came opposite to Alice, they all stopped and
looked at her, and the Queen said severely - Who is this? - She said it to
the Knave of Hearts, who only bowed and smiled in reply.
- Idiot! - said the Queen, tossing her head impatiently; and, turning
to Alice, she went on, - What's your name, child?
- My name is Alice, so please your Majesty, - said Alice very
politely; but she added, to herself, - Why, they're only a pack of cards,
after all. I needn't be afraid of them!
- And who are THESE? - said the Queen, pointing to the three
gardeners who were lying round the rosetree; for, you see, as they were
lying on their faces, and the pattern on their backs was the same as the
rest of the pack, she could not tell whether they were gardeners, or
soldiers, or courtiers, or three of her own children.
- How should I know? - said Alice, surprised at her own courage. -
It's no business of MINE. The Queen turned crimson with fury, and, after
glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast, screamed - Off with her
head! Off
- Nonsense! - said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and the Queen
was silent.
The King laid his hand upon her arm, and timidly said - Consider, my
dear: she is only a child!
The Queen turned angrily away from him, and said to the Knave - Turn
them over!
The Knave did so, very carefully, with one foot. - Get up! - said the
Queen, in a shrill, loud voice, and the three gardeners instantly jumped
up, and began bowing to the King, the Queen, the royal children, and
everybody else.
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